My baby has two teeth. And he’s going through his six month growth spurt. Or someone fed him after midnight and he’s turning into a Gremlin.
I know it’s not just the teeth, because he’s had those coming in for awhile. This growth spurt business can suck it though. Yesterday, my normally sweet, angelic, Buddha baby actually beat on my chest with his tiny, chubby fists while screaming in my face. He had napped approximately 30 minutes for the entire day. (normally, he’s a rockstar sleeper.) And he’d been kind enough to wake us up at 6:30 in the morning, and hour and a half early, after he stayed up an hour and a half past his bedtime. I know, two or three days out of six months isn’t shit, and there are lot of people with way bigger problems when it comes to their offspring.
Today seems better though, he’s actually down for his second nap. So please, baby Jesus, let that be all of that crap. I want to tell you bitches about some shit that’s helping the little gremlin be more like Gizmo, less like Stripe.
Here’s Gizmo, because he’s cute.
Look at him driving the little car, saving the day. Awww.
Anyway. I’m by no means a baby expert. But I am using some doggie wisdom on my teething baby. For instance, when he bites down on any of my body parts or something he shouldn’t, I tell him “AH AH!” in a sharp sounding voice. He seems to notice the difference. I swear.
So the first toy I want to talk about is Sophie the Giraffe.
Sophie is made of the same damned vinyl that cheap dog toys are made out of. She even squeaks. I’m pretty sure that the getting richer by the minute folks over at Vulli are laughing their asses all the way to the bank. I have multiple momma friends who swear this is their kid’s favorite toy, that their child is obsessed, it’s totally worth it.
Xavier doesn’t have Sophie, and unless someone else shells out the $20 for something that will ABSOLUTELY be shredded by one of these dogs, he never will. I have been tempted. The thing is cute, and come on, I have spent $20 on stupider shit.
But I think I’m taking a stand on Sophie. Especially after I read all the reviews on Amazon about that killer front leg of hers..all these kids almost choking to death. Pass. There’s way cooler stuff to choke on. (That’s what she said.)
One thing he does have and is obsessed with and came with a reasonable price tag is this guy:
Okay, on the serious, it looks kinda weird, like a diseased nipple or something. But the kid will lay there holding onto this thing and babbling for like days. And he chews on the sides and the ring part too, all made of silicone. Which holds temperature pretty nicely so I stick this bad boy in the freezer between uses. And for $5 if the dogs should eat it, whatevs.
Next up, the craziest thing about these things is how long it took people to invent them.
Holy shit are these things awesome.
We’re dabbling with Baby Led Weaning. Cuz I’m kind of a hippie and I like to do hippie things. (We’ll come back to this.) But the other day Xavier bit off a big ass hunk of his avocado wedge, and it was only thanks to my cat like reflexes that he survived. I’ll be honest, it scared the bejeezus out of me. So we’re kinda backing away from that, I can’t take the scariness. I figure eating purees like the rest of us poor saps for the last 20 years probably won’t land him a seat on the short bus. Besides, if I’m being totally honest, I have shit to do. I want to enjoy my kid, not spend it watching him like a hawk while he rubs a slimy ass banana all over his face and trying to catch the shit he drops before the three lurking beasts do. (Again, cat like reflexes come in handy. And a good “Drop it.”)
So this takes the scariness out. I put that banana hunk in there, hand it to him, and now I can actually do stuff while he’s rubbing it all over his face, not much is hitting the floor, more is landing in his mouth. Plus, I freeze stuff before I give it to him, so it helps soothe the pain from those evil little pearls of doom.
Moving on..I’m not a huge fan of medicating the shit out of my kid. I’ll medicate the shit out of myself, but that’s another post. So when I spotted an Amber teething necklace on my friend’s baby, I thought “Oh how cute, jewelry on the baby, I love it!” But this is functional jewelry, not just bling. Sometimes hippie shit works, alright? So when my friend said this crap actually appeared to be helping, I thought hey, wtf, I’ll give it a shot.
This is not my kid, but it kinda looks like a made for tv movie version of him.
Okay, no it doesn’t. But he’s sleeping, goddammit. SLEEPING. So I’ll take a picture of him in it another time, but he looks cute. Like Tommy Pickles decided to go on tour with Phish. It’s not designed to chew on. It uses magical powers to make the pain disappear, or something. Look, I don’t know science. But I do know, this kid sleeps longer when he has been wearing it. And sometimes, I double it around his ankle and let him sleep with it on, inside his feetie pajamas. (Even in my most paranoid mom hypothetical worst case scenarios, I’m just not sure anything bad could come from that.) And even John, who laughed at it and called it “hooey”..admits that it works. And it helped my friend’s baby too, so there. Don’t be stupid and leave it on your baby overnight or unsupervised.
He has a bunch of other teething toys and stuff, but none rock my world like those do so far. But I’m betting this won’t be my last “OMG FUCK TEETHING” Post.
A couple of other things before I go.
1. I have finally hopped on the Pinterest bandwagon. Productivity has slowed to a halt around here.
2. I am officially planning Xavier’s first birthday party. It’s going to be a pirates theme, which I’m pretty sure means I need to drink my weight in rum and fantasize about Johnny Depp a lot. Which is pretty much like normal times.