Working on mah fitness…

Recently, the realization came to me that I was being fucking ridiculous.
I have always been sort of embarrassed to be working out. On the serious, I still get kind of embarrassed to even be seen looking at workout clothes. Those of you who have never been fat will probably not understand this, but there are 10,000 things that are pretty embarrassing to do when you’re a chunk. Maybe I’ll list those for you someday, but working out is definitely one of them.

It highlights all of your fatness, to be sweating, out of breath and slow as shit.. so of course, it’s a little embarrassing. So I still do 90% of my exercise alone, or with a friend, or with the hubs.
However, about a month ago, I attended my first real fitness type class. Granted, it was taught by a friend. And 3 out of the 4 other people in class were my friends. wasn’t really that scary. Plus, it looked pretty cool. It’s called TRX Suspension workouts, and it’s pretty badass. What was cool about this class was that my friends who are in MUCH better shape than I am took the same class as me, and we were both challenged because you set your own difficulty level.

Even at the senior citizen rate, I was sore as fuck for three days afterwards, btw. Again, if you’ve never been fat it sounds ridiculous, but I have no idea how to exercise, when to stop, when it’s too much, because the line between mental and physical isn’t really very clear. 10 seconds in I want to stop. My muscles shake, I want to stop. Something burns or aches, I want to stop. But I’ve learned that just because I THINK I can’t keep going, doesn’t mean I can’t. But just because I CAN, doesn’t mean I SHOULD.
So when you don’t know something, it only makes sense that you should go see someone who does. DUH.
TRX was CRAZY, and I’ll be going back for more. Here’s where I give a shout out to my girl Danielle over at Fitness Fusion in Bristol, RI.
She LOVES what she’s doing, and not once, not even a little, did I feel like I was being judged for being fat or slow or sweaty.
So while I was at TRX class, I realized that I pushed myself harder than I EVER would have at home, or alone. I realized that I was doing things incorrectly, and therefore, ineffectively. And there’s nothing my lazy ass hates more than doing something for nothing.

Yoga’s been my favorite thing for the past 6-7 months or so. But man oh embarrassing I thought it would be to do try to do that shit in public. But after TRX, and talking to a couple friends about it..I decided it might be time to look into a class. I do videos at home all the time, and I subscribe to the GAIAM channel, OnDemand. Dudes, it has bajillions of yoga videos. But I keep coming back to this one:

This is, of course, after learning basic moves and stuff. Rodney Yee’s Pose Guide is GREAT for that.

So when I first got bitten by the yoga bug, I googled Forrest Yoga and found Raffa Yoga over in Cranston:

Then, a friend ALSO recommended their hot yoga class. Now..I’ve always been TERRIFIED of hot yoga. I hate being hot. I just don’t tolerate it well. So when I found out their Beginner Forrest Yoga class was practiced at a stifling 90 effing degrees, I was SO close to not going. But I have a friend willing to go with me, so what the hell, right?
But I’ve gone twice now, and it’s AMAZING. It’s this whole yoga center, it’s all they do! I kinda want to live there. The rooms are all dim, and it’s quiet, and smells nice. I sweated my face off Tuesday night, and I’ve never felt so amazing.
My point is this: get out of your comfort zone. Just do it.
Because here’s the thing, it is fucking ridiculous to feel embarrassed about being fat, slow, or weak when you are actively trying to be fat, slow or weak. If anyone has paid me a second glance, I can’t tell. I’ve decided just..not to waste anymore mental energy being embarassed and paying mind to these kinds of defeating thoughts. “Everyone’s looking at me, oh man I should’nt have worn this, I should just go, oh jeez, everyone’s facing this way now I bet they’re looking at my arms..” Every time those thoughts bubble up to the surface now (and I assure you, they do, often. I’m human and the presence of one pretty young thing is all it takes to send my head spinning.) I push it right back out with this mantra: Yes, I’m fat..but here I am, working on that shit. So laugh it up if you gotta, haters, but I’m a force to be reckoned with.


A few thoughts regarding “Willpower”


People say it to me all the time “Oh I just have no willpower”.  And I always say “I don’t either!”

You place me alone in a room with any amount of baked goods and I’m probably going to eat them, especially if I’m alone.  I can’t walk past a candy dish without grabbing some.  You don’t get to be super fat like I am/was by having a strong sense of restraint.

The good news, you don’t need it. Not at first anyway. There are ways around it, if you want it badly enough.  This is how I’ve made it this far:

1. Even if you can’t control your SELF, you can absolutely control your SITUATION. Can’t leave that ice cream alone? Why the fuck is it in your freezer then? Don’t buy it. Don’t even walk down that aisle. Don’t think about it. You are going to have weak moments. I do. I have about 400 of them a day. Luckily, there’s no damned ice cream in my freezer.  I read recently that you only have a certain amount of willpower a day. Don’t waste it while you’re at home, save it for the tough times. There will be many tough times.

2. Prepare for the tough times, and know thyself. I KNOW I’m hungriest in the afternoon, and weakest at night. I keep snacks in my car, so I have no excuse to hit a drive through in the afternoon. At night, I know what I’m really craving is sweets. I can fight it, or I can find ways to work with it. Sugar free chocolate pudding takes the edge off, and then I try to stay busy, or just go to bed. Boredom is my demon. What’s yours?

3. Do it anyway. Come to terms with this absolute truth: You will never, ever “feel like” passing on cake and going for a run instead. It’s not going to happen. But..if I think about all the shit I don’t feel like doing, and manage to do anyway..well, it becomes obvious I don’t have to feel like it to do it. I can’t remember the last morning I popped up out of bed, ready to get the day started, got dressed and tore into work. Please. Just about every day, when my alarm goes off, I groan and think “FUCK! I don’t feel like it!”

But then I roll out of bed, throw on some clothes and get shit done, because I have to.  Make time to make your lunch in the morning. Make time to go for a walk. Stop whining about it’s too hot, too cold, your vagina hurts, what the fuck ever. Just do it anyway and stop waiting for lightning to strike. The difference between you and the people who are succeeding isn’t some personality trait. It’s just that they do it, and you don’t.

4. Make the better choice, the easier choice. We’re all a little bit lazy. I know I am. I didn’t get this way by not being lazy. Work with it. I know I’m not going to put on clothes and drive to the grocery store just to get some chips. I’ll just eat the damned carrots in my fridge, I guess.  This one takes some prepwork. Some times the only thing that stops me from raiding the vending machine at work is that I don’t have any cash on me, and I’d have to go and get my debit card from the car and get cash out and..oh forget it. I’ll just eat my damned carrots.

See how that works?

Sometimes it’s unavoidable to screw up. I’ve been stuck for a few months, bouncing around the same five stupid lbs. Now I’m starting to realize that willpower’s a muscle I have to develop. From here on out, it’s going to take more to get me past this plateau I’m at presently. When I figure it out, I’ll be sure to let you guys know what I figured out. But if you’re just starting out, and waiting for inspiration to strike, don’t hold your breath. Just lace up your shoes and fucking do it anyway.

A Revival, Again.

Hello again friends. It’s been a very, very long time.

I have some updates to give, and the blog will soon be getting a makeover. Sadly, we no longer have three beasts. This is one of the reasons I could not post for so long. In February,  we said goodbye to our oldest dog, Capone. It happened very fast.  One day, he was fine. One day, he skipped breakfast. Three weeks later, he was gone. Cancer in his abdomen.  I miss him dearly, every single day. Every single dog I look at, and I see a lot of them, I miss those big brown eyes and his mile wide grin. It’s been months and I have yet to fold up his crate and his sweater still sits on my nightstand. I miss my dog.  But I don’t want to spend the day crying. Someday, I’ll tell you all the story of Capone. But not today.  I’ve tried to make my peace with it, 10 1/2 years is a damned good run. He didn’t suffer, and I was with him at the end. You can’t ask for much more than that.

RIP,  Old friend.

RIP, Old friend.

On a much lighter note, I’m much lighter. In September, I decided to lose a little weight. Shit was getting scary. Nothing even in the plus size stores fit me anymore.  I was BIG. I decided I would give a 10 day diet a shot, maybe I could get something going.  Lose a few lbs, see the scale move, get inspired.

Man..did it ever.  As of last week, I’ve lost 90 lbs (Put four back on this week, but let’s not talk about it, I’ll get rid of them!)

Here’s me at Xavier’s birthday party last year:

553695_785252158169_1146908123_nAnd here I am at his party THIS year:


Okay not the best comparison shots. Here’s another:


That was at 80 lbs down.

I wish I could tell you a secret that was exciting and new. But it’s just calories in, calories out. I eat a lot of salad, I walk, I do yoga. I drink lots of water and take my vitamins.

(We’re still not talking about this last week that was a shitshow.)

I’ve started a weight loss group on Facebook and it’s a stellar little community. It helps hold me accountable and provides support for others who are facing the same sort of challenges.

OBVIOUSLY I still have a ways to go, but I am proud of what I’ve done.

My mom and I took a trip with Xavier back to Illinois last month, and we got to spend some time with our family, which was really great.  I got to meet two of my nieces that I hadn’t, and Xavier got hang with his aunts and uncles.


Xavier is doing fantastic. He’s just the coolest little mini-me.  I cannot believe how lucky I got. He sleeps, he eats, he’s happy, he’s healthy, SO smart and sweet and charming and funny. He’s BUSY, and getting busier every day.  Man how I love this kid!


Xavier’s birthday party was on Saturday and it went very well. I’m excited to show you guys that, but it’s going to need a post all to itself. Here’s a sneak peek:


I’ll post more details soon, promise!

When three beasts and a baby becomes three beasts and TODDLER….

Certain things fall by the wayside.  When I’m not working, my time is spent fishing objects out of Xavier’s mouth, chasing him around saying things like “Stop licking the dog! Get down! Give that to me! Xavier! Come back here!!”

Tantrums are in full effect, and they make no damned sense. I get a full on, head shaking, kicking, screaming, crazy ass tantrum when I say things like “Xavier, you cannot stick the remote in the dog’s water bowl!” or “No, I will not hand you the entire bowl of spaghetti squash so that you can throw it on the floor.” or “Please don’t divebomb off the bed onto your own head.”

How can he be mad about that? Be reasonable. Toddlers = sociopaths.

This is my most common view:

That’s my kid, running away with his friend’s birthday balloon.

So. That’s what I’ve been doing. And working. And walking..lots of walking. I’m proud to say that I have lost 37 lbs since August. I’ve been working really hard and obv, Xavier keeps us busy as hell. But I have lots to show and tell,  and I’m hoping to pick up my little blog again.

Now if we can just survive this stupid hurricane. We are pretty far inland, so I’m not too worried about the water. What I am concerned about is the wind. We are surrounded by trees, and we already have half a tree down in the yard. So I’m hoping we don’t get some new wood furniture in the house today. (Har har.)  And then my second concern is the power outages. I cannot do another 6 days without power. I CANNOT. So National Grid, hear my plea. I will snap a freaking tether and cannot be held responsible for my actions if I have to shower at my friend’s houses  again. I will simply just lose it.

But we’re obsessively watching The Weather Channel and hoping for the best. Stay safe out there, bitches.

Six of em’

Before I get all sidetracked, first of all let me be an attention whore for a second. My friend Jennie, who is super organized and awesome composed this giant collaboration of mommy advice and compiled this blog post on surviving the first few weeks at home with your new baby. Read it, because it’s good. She’s going to do a whole series of them and you’ll find more of my super amazing advice there:

Now that I got that out of the way, I got some other shit to talk about.

Have you ever watched those super sized obese folks on tv? I generally try to avoid these shows because I find them sad..but my mom watches them a lot, so I’ve caught a few of them. When I do, I usually find myself asking “Wasn’t there SOME point in which these people looked down at themselves and said, enough is enough?” I mean..before you throw that 5x sized mumu on the conveyor belt at Walmart and plop your ass down on the hover round, wasn’t there a moment of clarity where you said “No thanks, I think I’ll continue washing my own genitals.”

For me, that point is now.  I have a LOT of weight to lose..a LOT. This kinda weight usually only gets lost through surgical means, the gastric bypass/lapband route. Hey, believe me, if my insurance covered it I would probably do it. But it does not, and I don’t have an extra $20k laying around. Hell, I don’t have an extra $20 laying around.  But I know what to do, it’s simple calories in, calories out. Seven years ago, I lost 100 lbs on my own. I gained it back, obv.  In between then and now, I’ve made a few half assed attempts, but I knew the willpower wasn’t there. This time feels different and I KNOW I can do this. I’m not going to give you a number just yet, someday I will, maybe when I’ve reached a comfortable distance from it. But just know this:

I’m six pounds closer now, than I was six days ago.

Everyone’s trying to lose a few pounds, and everyone who is wants to know what everyone else is doing. So I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing that’s working for me right now.  For starters, I got off my ass. Believe it, I won’t be running a 5k anytime soon. But on Friday morning, I bundled Xavier up, crammed him into his carseat and went for a walk. A mile and a half!  Not gonna front, I was a bit achy afterwards.

Monday, John went with us. 1.75 miles. Not achy!

Today, we made it 2 miles.  It’s already getting easier. And btw, I was pushing a stroller with a 20 lb chunk of cuteness in it.

Here he is in his workout gear:

My outfit matches.

Just kidding.

Anyway. A huge hurdle I faced when it comes to eating healthy is the freaking time it takes. I’m a busy bitch, and preparing every meal, every day? Not gonna happen. So. Thursday morning, I spent about three hours just cooking. I made breakfast burritos with egg beaters, salsa, peppers, and spinach on a whole wheat tortilla. I made chicken ceasar salads. I made tuna salad wraps (I will eat just about any amount of vegetables if you cram it into burrito form.) I made chicken stir fry with veggies and brown rice. Then I portioned all that shit up, packaged it in gladware, foil and/or saranwrap and the rest of the week, it was easy peasy. Sure I had to chop up some fruit here, smear some peanut butter on celery there. But it was not hard at all, and I was never hungry. That part’s key, for me. If I’m super hungry I will make a bad decision.

One other thing that has helped BIG time, a handy little app called NOOM. It tracks my weight and gives me a fun graph to stare at, and congratulates me when I lose weight. It tracks what I eat, and reminds me to tell it what I eat if I forget. It’s a super easy calorie counter too, it’s not like those crappy ones where you have to search your food and stuff. It’s a very simple system. AND, it reminds me to exercise. And you can’t fake it, and be all “Sure Noom, I tooootally worked out today”, Noom’s like “Bitch show me!” and it GPS’s my walk, tells me how far I’ve walked, how fast, and how many calories I burned.

Oh yea, and it’s free. Holla!

So that’s what this week looked like. I’ll be keeping you guys posted on my progress! Holla!