Show me your teeth.

My baby has two teeth. And he’s going through his six month growth spurt. Or someone fed him after midnight and he’s turning into a Gremlin.

I know it’s not just the teeth, because he’s had those coming in for awhile. This growth spurt business can suck it though. Yesterday, my normally sweet, angelic, Buddha baby actually beat on my chest with his tiny, chubby fists while screaming in my face.  He had napped approximately 30 minutes for the entire day. (normally, he’s a rockstar sleeper.) And he’d been kind enough to wake us up at 6:30 in the morning, and hour and a half early, after he stayed up an hour and a half past his bedtime.  I know, two or three days out of six months isn’t shit, and there are lot of people with way bigger problems when it comes to their offspring.

Today seems better though, he’s actually down for his second nap. So please, baby Jesus, let that be all of that crap. I want to tell you bitches about some shit that’s helping the little gremlin be more like Gizmo, less like Stripe.

Here’s Gizmo, because he’s cute.

Look at him driving the little car, saving the day. Awww.

Anyway. I’m by no means a baby expert. But I am using some doggie wisdom on my teething baby. For instance, when he bites down on any of my body parts or something he shouldn’t, I tell him “AH AH!” in a sharp sounding voice. He seems to notice the difference.  I swear.

So the first toy I want to talk about is Sophie the Giraffe.

Sophie is made of the same damned vinyl that cheap dog toys are made out of. She even squeaks.  I’m pretty sure that the getting richer by the minute folks over at Vulli are laughing their asses all the way to the bank. I have multiple momma friends who swear this is their kid’s favorite toy, that their child is obsessed, it’s totally worth it.

Xavier doesn’t have Sophie, and unless someone else shells out the $20 for something that will ABSOLUTELY be shredded by one of these dogs, he never will. I have been tempted. The thing is cute, and come on, I have spent $20 on stupider shit.

But I think I’m taking a stand on Sophie. Especially after I read all the reviews on Amazon about that killer front leg of hers..all these kids almost choking to death. Pass. There’s way cooler stuff to choke on. (That’s what she said.)

One thing he does have and is obsessed with and came with a reasonable price tag is this guy:


Okay, on the serious, it looks kinda weird, like a diseased nipple or something. But the kid will lay there holding onto this thing and babbling for like days. And he chews on the sides and the ring part too, all made of silicone. Which holds temperature pretty nicely so I stick this bad boy in the freezer between uses. And for $5 if the dogs should eat it, whatevs.

Next up, the craziest thing about these things is how long it took people to invent them.


Holy shit are these things awesome.

We’re dabbling with Baby Led Weaning. Cuz I’m kind of a hippie and I like to do hippie things. (We’ll come back to this.) But the other day Xavier bit off a big ass hunk of his avocado wedge, and it was only thanks to my cat like reflexes that he survived. I’ll be honest, it scared the bejeezus out of me.  So we’re kinda backing away from that, I can’t take the scariness. I figure eating purees like the rest of us poor saps for the last 20 years probably won’t land him a seat on the short bus. Besides, if I’m being totally honest, I have shit to do.  I want to enjoy my kid, not spend it watching him like a hawk while he rubs a slimy ass banana all over his face and trying to catch the shit he drops before the three lurking beasts do. (Again, cat like reflexes come in handy. And a good “Drop it.”)

So this takes the scariness out. I put that banana hunk in there, hand it to him, and now I can actually do stuff while he’s rubbing it all over his face, not much is hitting the floor, more is landing in his mouth. Plus, I freeze stuff before I give it to him, so it helps soothe the pain from those evil little pearls of doom.

Moving on..I’m not a huge fan of medicating the shit out of my kid. I’ll medicate the shit out of myself, but that’s another post.  So when I spotted an Amber teething necklace on my friend’s baby, I thought “Oh how cute, jewelry on the baby, I love it!” But this is functional jewelry, not just bling. Sometimes hippie shit works, alright? So when my friend said this crap actually appeared to be helping, I thought hey, wtf, I’ll give it a shot.

This is not my kid, but it kinda looks like a made for tv movie version of him.

Okay, no it doesn’t. But he’s sleeping, goddammit. SLEEPING. So I’ll take a picture of him in it another time, but he looks cute. Like Tommy Pickles decided to go on tour with Phish. It’s not designed to chew on. It uses magical powers to make the pain disappear, or something. Look, I don’t know science. But I do know, this kid sleeps longer when he has been wearing it. And sometimes, I double it around his ankle and let him sleep with it on, inside his feetie pajamas. (Even in my most paranoid mom hypothetical worst case scenarios, I’m just not sure anything bad could come from that.) And even John, who laughed at it and called it “hooey”..admits that it works. And it helped my friend’s baby too, so there. Don’t be stupid and leave it on your baby overnight or unsupervised.

He has a bunch of other teething toys and stuff, but none rock my world like those do so far. But I’m betting this won’t be my last “OMG FUCK TEETHING” Post.

A couple of other things before I go.

1. I have finally hopped on the Pinterest bandwagon. Productivity has slowed to a halt around here.

2. I am officially planning Xavier’s first birthday party. It’s going to be a pirates theme, which I’m pretty sure means I need to drink my weight in rum and fantasize about Johnny Depp a lot. Which is pretty much like normal times.




Thank you sweet baby Jesus, Christmas is finally over.

My job makes us work the seven days leading up until Christmas. The way my days off played out, I worked 10 days in a row. The ten days before Christmas. Which for those of you who work in the retail slash service industry, you know that those are the ten worst goddamned days of the year. IN A ROW.

That does something to a person. Somethin uuugly.

It also seriously must compromise a person’s immune system, because guess what? I’m sick again. And not just a little cold, no no. That’s not how I roll.  Friday morning, Christmas Eve Eve, I woke up with some ear pain. As the day progressed, it got worse and worse. By Saturday morning, Christmas Eve, I was in quite a bit of pain. Even with enough ibuprofen in me to stun a yak, I was struggling. I got lucky and got out of work early, and raced straight to an UrgentCare. But they were already closed. So..I sat there, thinking well, first thing Monday morning, I’ll go in.

But it just kept getting worse and worse. It woke me up a bunch of times that night. I was really in a lot of pain. 3:30 in the morning, I woke up John. “I’m going to the ER. I can’t take this shit another day. Might as well go now. I’ll be home by the time X wakes up.”

Well..I wasn’t. Apparently, earaches fall pretty low on the emergency scale.  Eventually, the doctor made his way over. Said “Yea..that’s doubly infected, inside and out. Here’s a stack of prescriptions. CVS is open, head on over.”

So, I did. Eardrops, antibiotics, and two kinds of pain meds. Oh yes. I made it home about 9:30. Xavier had pooped on his Christmas pajamas. Mom and John were waiting, Xavier’s excitement was palpable:

And Squirt could barely contain his overwhelming joy:

 But John was ready: (to start drinking. Ha!)

So, let’s start the show. We start with stockings. First, my mom looks through hers. Finds a chocolate orange. She’s pumped about it.

John tricked her into wearing that hat. I love this man.

Then we opened Xavier’s stocking. I handed him his first gift, expecting him drool as he dropped it on the floor. But instead, this happened.


How cute is that? He’s all “Oh yes, this is relevant to mah interests!”

Stupid little set of teething keys dazzled his world. Babies are so funny.

I’d like to post more pictures, but stupid WordPress is being slow and if I keep waiting around to do that, I’ll never get this finished before Xavier wakes up.

So..the day after Christmas, John, Xavier and I made our yearly trip out to the stores to get the goods on next year’s Christmas decorations. My theme for next year is certainly more challenging than red & white was, but I think I did okay and I am pretty damned excited about it. year, my mother has decided she wants a tree for her area also. So that’s TWO trees to decorate. I don’t think she’ll let me get all OCD on her tree. But I really wish she would. She’s probably going to get all obnoxious drunken fruity pebbles vomit on the damned thing just to drive me batty. *sigh*. I suspect she just doesn’t like next year’s colors. I’d tell you what they are, but then you’d try to copy me. So you have to wait, suckas.

Anyway. When I went to the ER Saturday morning, they told me if I’m not much better by Tuesday morning, I needed to go see my For Real Doctor. So..Tuesday morning I was still really struggling. I tried to go to work..and it was a fail. I couldn’t take the serious pain meds they gave me and drive or groom dogs, and trying to groom dogs in that much pain…well. It didn’t work out. So I left work and went to the doctor.  It was worse, my face was swollen, and now my left ear was aching and crackling.

And this is where we discuss bedside manner and it’s importance. A doctor should not take one look at a person’s ear and say “Oh no! It’s really bad. Like..REALLY bad. You need to go see a specialist. NOW. Right NOW. It’s reaaaally bad. I’m going to find you a specialist to go to, right now. This is serious, I’ve seen people go on IV antibiotics for less. YOUR BRAIN IS IN DANGER!”

And then disappear for 10 minutes.

Leaving me just…sitting there. Apparently, in grave brain danger.

So she comes back, gives me an address and a number and tells me to “Go right now. Just go NOW okay?”


In a rare exception from my usual stubborn to the core independence, I had had John accompany me to this appointment, in case they wanted to dope me up or something.  So he was with me, thank God, because I was actually sort of scared. MY BRAIN WAS IN DANGER, for fuck’s sake.

So I went to the specialist. And waited for over an hour and a half before he wandered into the exam room. Which had a big scary dentist like horror movie chair in it with lights and pokey things. And there were all these instruments that looked like something out of the SAW movies. GAH.

I might have peed in the chair.

So he takes a look in my left ear, the newest arrival to the party in my head. He’s like “Yup, infected. We’ll flush that sucker out and give you some drops. NBD.” Then he looks in my right ear, and says “This is really bad.” He says my ear is completely clogged up, and the antibiotics they had given me in the ER were not strong enough. Since my ear was closed up, there was no way for the drops to get down in there, so they just kinda built up and gummed up the works even more. So..we’ll have to suction that out. Then flush. Then we’ll have to insert a wick so it can drain.

Oh..that sounds magical.

He says “It’s going to hurt. If it doesn’t hurt I’m not doing it right. Sorry.”

So he pulls out this thingy. It has a four inch or so metal tube that’s very narrow, like the inside of a ballpoint pen. He STICKS THAT IN MY FUCKING EAR. And then he turns it on. And it’s like the suction thingy at the dentist, only it’s metal and it’s in my ear. And it’s sucking the danger out of my brain.

It was unpleasant. But I have to almost felt better. There was a lot of pressure in that sumbitch, and that relieved a good chunk of it. Then he goes around to my left side. Takes this giant metal syringe thing..and a metal vomit catcher pan, you know, the kidney bean shaped guy. And he comes straight for me. This ain’t gonna be nice.

But again, not that bad. He sticks the giant metal thing in my ear and it’s like a firehose jammed into my brain. The kidney bean was to catch the excess.

(Are you grossed out yet?)

SO THEN. He comes back to my right side. And he’s being very descriptive about what he’s going to do my ear. Which I appreciated, I don’t think I would’ve taken too kindly to someone just cramming stuff and shooting and suctioning on my orifices without an explanation. (That’s what she said.)

He shows me the wick he’s going to put in my ear. He shows me what he’s going to use to put it in with. Explains it’s purpose and when it needs to come out. I really liked this doctor.

(Dr Tarro at RI Ear Nose & Throat in Cumberland RI)

So then he tells me it’s gonna hurt again. And I brace myself. But it wasn’t that bad. Certainly no walk in the park. He says “Wow. You must have a really high threshold for pain.”  If you’ve read my birth story, you know why that is.

So..I did take the day off work today. I’m in quite a bit of pain,  and I can’t hear very well, and I’m still quite loopy from the Vicodin regimen. But I’m getting better, I can tell.

And one last thing before I end this, speaking of getting better. The Reglan is working like gangbusters for my milk supply, it has totally pulled me off the ropes in that battle and I’m in the fight again and swinging. When I first started breastfeeding,  I honestly wasn’t sure I’d last the week. But when I did, I said “Six weeks. I probably won’t be able to do it after I go back to work.” But I was. so I said “I’d like to make it til Christmas, that’s just about six months.” I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to make time to pump because it gets so insanely busy. But I did. I made it. So. I’m not going to set another goal. I’m going to keep going until I stop. So far, I have had zero side effects that I can’t handle. Hopefully that continues. HOORAY FOR BOOBIES!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas..

Christmas in Texas, anyway. How bout this crazy ass 65 degree weather in December here in Rhode Island? What the what?! Last week, I stood outside putting ornaments and lights on our potted stoop trees, and realized I was wearing a tank top outside. Comfortably. And my country ass was barefoot too!

On the serious, I pretty much love it. It’s just weird as hell. My brother, who is ACTUALLY in Texas, got two inches of snow. I’m starting to think that perhaps that whole global warming thing isn’t just a bullshit scare tactic made up by Al Gore. (Sarcasm. It totally was.) (Sarcasm again, did you actually think I thought that global warming is made up? Who thinks that!)

But at any rate..I’m fucktastically excited for Christmas this year. So, remember how I told you guys that we didn’t do holidays for awhile? Right, we didn’t. So when I decided we would start doing them, John agreed that I could pretty much do them however I want. And that means theme trees. Ridiculous, beautiful, cohesive, OCD theme trees. Last year, it was teal and silver. And I’m not dumb, I hit up the stores the day after Christmas, and bought all my coordinated shit in advance at like 75% off, so it cost me about $4 in total. (Estimate.)

So, here was last year’s tree, and it was the first tree I was 100% responsible for. This is a crappy cell phone pic, sorry.

See how pretty it was? *sigh*

But when I shopped last year for this Christmas, I knew I was pregnant. And I knew I’d be taking a boatload of pictures, and when I look back on those pictures of Xavier’s first Christmas, I wanted them to look classic and timeless and not too trendy. So I decided to go with a red & white theme this year.

However, I did not know my mom would be here this year, so I only purchased three stockings. Now I have one mismatched stocking and I can’t remember where I bought these, and I haven’t seen them on the shelves at all the usual suspects. So I have an odd man out. Screw it, it’s fine. It’sfineit’sfineit’sfineit’s fine.

It’s FINE.

Okay? Also, since Xavier’s little, no need to be stealthy, I can already start stuffing his stocking, he doesn’t care.


So. I also snapped up these cute little tree thingies from Target. (IfuckingloveTarget)

Cute huh?  I love them!  Here’s how I decorated the banister:


You like the way my balls dangle, don’t you?

Now…I do normally let the hubs do the outside. He likes to be spastic and crazy, with all the colors, like someone puked up Christmas Fruity Pebbles all over the place. But since he happily obliges me when I say “This tree is all wrong, please help me take it all down and start over”, I let him go nuts. This is his favorite tree, it reminds him of Charlie Brown, I guess. I’ll show it to you, and then we’ll never speak of it again.



He’s mad because I’m not showing it to you lit up. But…I think you get the idea don’t you?

Now. Let’s move on. We have two Arborvitae trees in pots right outside the front door. Like I said, normally I let him have the outside, but I’m pretty sure this still counts as inside. So..clear lights and red ornaments:

Notice the one that’s in the pot now? Yea…John found that in the driveway this morning, a solid 20 feet away. The hook part had been ripped off and split in half. Stupid raccoon I bet,  I hear they like shiny shit. Tried to jack my shit but didn’t make it too far before he realized it wasn’t food, or treasure, or what the hell ever he thought it was. John thought it was appropriate to just place it back in the pot.  Maybe if the little vermin returns he’ll take that one again rather than trying to pick another?

Okay so I’ll quit dicking around and show you my tree now. But before I do, I need you to know that both my mother and I are allergic to natural trees. We break out in hives, so don’t give me any shit about my fake tree.


Pretty awesome huh? That thing I said about taking everything off and starting over again? Totally happened. And yes, the wrapping paper is coordinated with the tree. Christmas just cranks my crazy right up.









And fun facts:

Xavier started solids this week. Not entirely unrelated, Xavier pooped on me. And the floor. He has also started giving drooly open mouthed kisses, so it evens out. We’re giving peas a chance.


So..I have officially booked the trip to Illinois. Terrifying! We’re ALL going. Xavier, John, Mom,and I are all going on an airplane together, to Illinois. GAAAAAAAAH! We’re attending one of my oldest, bestest friend’s wedding.  I’m sure it’s going to be GORGEOUS and I can’t wait.
I was totally tempted to have us take seperate planes, like the president and vice president, but I figured I’d never hear the end of it. Besides, what if one of our planes goes down? If it was John’s plane, I’d probably feel pretty guilty for putting him on it. If it were my plane, that would obviously suck ass. Also..I promised John I would never die, and I intend to keep that promise dammit.

So..if we go down, we’re going down together.

(Only not in so much denim.)

I caught a little bit of crap from friends & coworkers about my intention to be the asshole on the plane with the little baby. And that does kinda suck, BUT, it’s only a two hour flight, and he’s not an asshole crabbypants baby. Ask anyone, my baby is amazeballs perfection. I bet a trillion dollars he sleeps the whole time.  What are the alternatives anyway? I can’t leave him. Driving..well driving takes two days when it’s just adults and we don’t have to stop every 3 hours to feed & change him. It’s just not realistically possible, especially considering that I burnt up pretty much every minute of paid time off I have left for the year, so we have to make this a very quick trip, just four days.  And we have to save money every way possible, because there’s a g0od possibility I might be out a trillion dollars if you shysters hold me to that bet. 

So I did a little bit of shopping yesterday. What?

Look, my mom hasn’t worn pants that don’t have an elastic waistband in about 30 years. Last time I saw her in anything but sweatpants and a t-shirt, it was my wedding day. (2009) Before that? Ummm…my stepdad’s funeral in 2001?  So, she does not have anything to wear, and she haaates shopping, and she complains so much that it sucks the fun right out of it for me also. Ever since I was old enough to drive, she would send me to do the Christmas shopping for my brothers and myself. Yes, really. Sounds kind of sad, but really, I LOVE shopping. I LOVE IT.

However, taking her shopping for clothes is pretty much like taking a 9 year old boy shopping. 

“I don’t WANNA try it on”

“That’s ugly”

“Too purple/pink/red/green/orange”

“I hate that print.” (All prints.)

“That’s stupid.”

“Can we go now?!”

I hate shopping with my mother. I HATE IT.  Also, you should know that she is IMFREAKINGPOSSIBLE to please. You just can’t make this woman happy.  Christmas after Christmas, birthday after birthday, Mother’s Day after Mother’s day..I fail, again and again. You would think with three chances a year for 29 years, I would’ve hit the mark more than once. But no. The one time I hit the mark, btw: I burned her some CDs because I was broke as hell. Forget the front row seats to see The Temptations, or the dishwasher my brothers and I pitched in and got her that she then GAVE AWAY. No, no.  YOU CANNOT MAKE HER HAPPY.

So yesterday I decided I’d take my chances and go it alone. Worst case, I have to return some shit.  When I got home, I gave her a little speech. “If these fit you and you like them, you don’t have to go shopping. If it doesn’t fit or you don’t like it, you’ll have to go shopping with me. ”

She sat there for a minute..and then said “I bet I like them then.”

And yanno what bitches? SHE DID. And they fit.  And she looks good in that shit. I’d post pics but she’d probably go all Joan Crawford on my ass.

I’ll sneak pictures when she’s wearing them at the wedding. Trust me, she looks pretty fly.

Also, as soon as I found out my fetus had a penis, I thought “OMG LITTLE MAN-MAN SUITS!!”

Yes, really. Is there anything cuter than a baby dressed like a little old man? Fuck. No!

So..I picked up this amazing cuteness for Xavier to wear.  How perfect for an October wedding?

Are you ready?

Yes, that is actually happening. If you didn’t just coo out loud, there’s something wrong with you.

I cannot stand it. I’m going to try it on him at some point today, and hope it all fits. It’s a size 3- 6 months, so I hope it fits my 9 week old tank ass baby. By the way, I shopped the clearance racks for my mom, and I had a 20% off coupon, so I came in just under $50 for that suit and my mom’s two outfits. W00t!

And speaking of tank ass..let’s just say that some  all of my clothes do not fit quite the same. Screw you, I had a baby 9 weeks ago. We can’t all be Heidi Klum’s supernatural ass. Besides, a lot of it has to do with my boobs. I’m still breastfeeding and these things are easily twice the size they were pre-Xavier. Some of my old stuff fits, but makes me look like a porn star. I wanted boobs my whole life, and now that I have them I don’t know what the hell to put on them.

So..*sigh* sadly, I had to get something new also.  I am naturally concerned about clashing with my cutest little accessory, but I also don’t want us to be the douchebags in matching outfits. 

It’s hard out there for a pimp  blimp these days.  All the trends seem to be wildly unflattering and will surely make me look like a hefty bag full of meat.  So it was a tall order, finding something that “goes” and does not make me look like a porn star, a bag of meat, or the “Welll..she DID  just have a baby” look.

Anything but that.

So I checked all of my usual suspects: Lane Bryant, Old Navy, and Torrid.  Nothing. Okay…Fashion Bug, Loop 18, even Catherine’s. (Nope, still not old enough!) Shit..nothing!

Igigi? Nope..still can’t afford it.

And then I remember: AVENUE. I have never shopped there, but I cannot for the life of me remember why. JACKPOT!! Scored this hot little number on sale:

It’s reviewed pretty positively. Fingers crossed the girls don’t hang out of it all crazy. But I figure if it shows too much I’ll put a cami on under it.  With these shoes:

Also, really good reviews on these, and they were on clearance.  Now, I googled for a coupon code (ALWAYS!) and found one that gave me 40% off my first item, then 30% off my second item when I got three or more items. So I tossed a cami in the cart and saved $17! I pretty much got those shoes for free. Pretty awesome eh? I spent a whopping $43. I’m going to wear a pink shrug I already have. Beyond that for accessories, I’m still not sure. We’ll see how it looks on.

Anyway, rambling.

Some other highlights of my week include:

~We have power on again.

~Working and pumping sucks.

~We switched from Dr Brown’s to Tommee Tippee  bottles, in an effort to provide a more natural, boob like situation. Seems to be working well.

~John spent three ENTIRE days “baby sitting” Xavier while I was at work. I am happy to report that they both survived it.  Breastfed babies often don’t poop every day. Mine seems to go 3-4 days. On Saturday, which was John’s first whole day alone, X hadn’t gone in about a week. A WEEK. So..I knew it was coming. And sure enough, by noon, I got a text message. “OMG. He pooped AND peed WHILE I WAS CHANGING HIM! AGGGGH!!! He turned into a sprinkler and a play doh machine and it was epic. Need more wipes, AGGGHHH!!”

And I laughed. A lot.