I don’t have a ton to write about this week. It’s been kinda rough around here, lots of stress going on. This week hit a whole new level of shittiness, John got laid off from his job, and someone stole $200 out of my purse. Lovely huh? But to ice that shit cake a little more, Xavier got a few trips to the pediatrician. About two weeks ago, I went to change his diaper and found a tiny pink spot, about the size of his dime in his diaper.
Here’s what the inside of my head sounded like :
Omg something is totally wrong with him he’s peeing blood wtf could that even mean call 911 no don’t call 911 call the dr wait what if it’s totally normal, didn’t I read somewhere that it’s totally normal? How can peeing blood be normal, I never do it, do boys do it? Has he been injured and no one told me? Did I see this on SVU as a sign of sexual abuse? How the hell does this even happen? Is it because I didn’t circumcise him? What about that damned hydroceles when he was born, could that be it? GOOGLE IT!! Ah man that’s not good, he’s either dying or it’s totally normal, well that’s nothing I didn’t know before. Guess I’m calling the pediatrician.
So I call. And they don’t say anything but “Can you make it here by 1:30?” And my head explodes. They want to see him right away it must be serious holy crap.
So, I get us down there, take the diaper. The Dr looks over his beans and franks, and doesn’t see anything. He tells me that it’s probably urate crystals, and sometimes it just happens for no reason at all, and sometimes it’s because he’s dehydrated, and sometimes it actually is blood, and the only way to know is to test it. So they send me home with instructions to collect a urine sample.
Yea..how does one collect a urine sample from an infant? I’ll tell you. They gave me this plastic bag with a hole in it with sticky tabs around the hole. I affix the stickies around his little business, put his diaper back on over the baggie. Then I realize..I have to remove the stickies from his business.
So for an hour or so I walk around, dreading taking this stupid thing off. Surely it’ll hurt, I wouldn’t want a bandaid ripped off my genitals. I try to figure out a way to remove it gently, perhaps if I use nail polish remover, or lighter fluid, that’s good for stickiness? Wait..you can’t put that crap on a baby! Okay scratch that. Maybe if I just soak it in water? But what if it messes with the sample?
So..I just ended up going reaaaaaaallly slow. And he stared at me the whole time, like “I just don’t know about this Mom”
But I got it. And got it down to the lab. Phew. Oh shit..now we wait for results.
The next morning, another spot. A bigger spot. I call the Dr’s office. They say they didn’t find any blood, so it’s just urate crystals. Normal. Yay! They tell me it’s possible that he’s a little dehydrated, and that I should drink more water. Eesh…fair enough, I definitely do not drink enough water. If it keeps happening, call back and they’ll test the diaper itself to see if it’s blood, further investigate this.
So, a week or so goes by and it’s all good, I’m chugging water and gatorade regularly, but man I’m still definitely struggling with my milk supply. I’m still taking supplements, pumping and eating oatmeal all the damned time. I’m really trying. But I am still struggling.
So when I see another spot after I’m doing all that, I realize maybe despite my best efforts, he’s not getting enough. I call the Dr again, they tell me to come down. I call the Warmline and tell them all I’ve been doing and that it’s possible he’s not getting enough from me, and we stayed on the phone for awhile..and basically she gave me the “You had a good run, but maybe it’s just not working out for you.” speech.
So we head to the doctor. At Xavier’s appointment at 2 1/2 months, he weighed 13.5 lbs. He’s now 4 months old, and he weighs 14 lbs. That’s not enough weight gain to make the doctor happy. So..he recommended supplementing with formula.
Okay..so confession. When I was pregnant and immediately after giving birth..I really didn’t care about breastfeeding. I had seen a lot of my friends who were all “I’m going to breastfeed, formula is poison!!” and then for one reason or another, breastfeeding didn’t work out and they were devastated, harboring all kinds of guilt and self loathing about it. So I took this “Eh, if it works it works” attitude about it. And if I’m being totally honest, I kinda sorta didn’t want it to work. I saw formula as more convenient, and in my head, breastfeeding kind of grossed me out. (Hippies everywhere just gasped in horror.) I know, logically, that it’s the most natural thing in the world. But in my head it felt dirty.
Until I did it. And THEN it felt like the most natural thing in the world. And it was gratifying and I felt like this amazing earthmomma, nourishing my child with my own body and breastfeeding is awesome, I never have to wash bottles and my baby is thriving and lemme do my hippie dance and be all “It’s natural and beautiful, this is what boobs are for!”
So..when he told me that Xavier is not gaining enough weight, that he’s NOT thriving, I was devastated, harboring all kinds of guilt and self loathing. I still am. Let it be known that I have the happiest baby on the planet, ask anyone who’s met him. He’s super chill, and never acted as if he was still hungry. So I guess he was just doing what they tell us fatties to do and just eating til you’re satisfied, but not full. (I still haven’t mastered that.) But I gotta shelve my stupid feelings and do what’s best for the kiddo. In the meantime, I’m still pumping around the clock, taking supplements and eating oatmeal. I’m not giving up just yet.
Non-Bathtime Photos Courtesy of Tana Murphy of The Murphys Photography. Her photos actually do my baby’s cuteness justice.:) Link: http://themurphysphoto.com/