Now that I’m back to work, I’m realizing all the parallels between my work life and my home life. So I thought I’d compile a little top ten list, because who doesn’t love a good list?
10. My life is lived in three hour blocks. I know I have three hours to get a certain amount of work done and I have to prioritize these things in my head and accomplish them in the company of living beings who don’t give a shit about the time. Life with a newborn: also three hour blocks. Feed, sleep, change, repeat.
9. Ever tried to dress a baby? It’s very much like trying to gift wrap a squid on PCP. Numerous flailing dogs have taught me how to utilize every single one of my fingers in order to restrain just the right places with just the right pressure in order to accomplish what needs accomplished without causing pain. The Pug needs his nails clipped. Xavier needs to wear a button down shirt with buttons the size of a bedbug’s nipples. Okay maybe not. But it looks cute so shut up.
8. Removing gunk from little eyeballs without removing little eyeballs.
7. Clipping tiny nails without clipping tiny toes.
6. Never walk away from the table or tub when there’s someone on it or in it.
5. Drool? Not a problem.
4. Patience, patience, patience. They know not what they do.
3. Baby talk. According to some science I made up, the exact same pitch works for dogs as does babies. Well timed baby talk can go a LONG way.
2. Poop. Need I elaborate?
1. The art of Zen. You’re 30 minutes late, and you get him all clean, fresh, looking adorable, and all the sudden..blam, projectile poop. As you’re cleaning that up, he pees all over and starts screaming his head off. The oven is dinging, the phone is ringing, and there are multiple dogs barking their heads off in the other room.
Just another day at my office, kid. Take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and just do one thing at a time. This little creature is referencing you to gauge how to act, so you gotta be The Fonz, or else they will sense your panic, and panic too. So bitch, be cool. (That part was said in Samuel L Jackson’s voice.)