So..I have officially booked the trip to Illinois. Terrifying! We’re ALL going. Xavier, John, Mom,and I are all going on an airplane together, to Illinois. GAAAAAAAAH! We’re attending one of my oldest, bestest friend’s wedding.  I’m sure it’s going to be GORGEOUS and I can’t wait.
I was totally tempted to have us take seperate planes, like the president and vice president, but I figured I’d never hear the end of it. Besides, what if one of our planes goes down? If it was John’s plane, I’d probably feel pretty guilty for putting him on it. If it were my plane, that would obviously suck ass. Also..I promised John I would never die, and I intend to keep that promise dammit.

So..if we go down, we’re going down together.

(Only not in so much denim.)

I caught a little bit of crap from friends & coworkers about my intention to be the asshole on the plane with the little baby. And that does kinda suck, BUT, it’s only a two hour flight, and he’s not an asshole crabbypants baby. Ask anyone, my baby is amazeballs perfection. I bet a trillion dollars he sleeps the whole time.  What are the alternatives anyway? I can’t leave him. Driving..well driving takes two days when it’s just adults and we don’t have to stop every 3 hours to feed & change him. It’s just not realistically possible, especially considering that I burnt up pretty much every minute of paid time off I have left for the year, so we have to make this a very quick trip, just four days.  And we have to save money every way possible, because there’s a g0od possibility I might be out a trillion dollars if you shysters hold me to that bet. 

So I did a little bit of shopping yesterday. What?

Look, my mom hasn’t worn pants that don’t have an elastic waistband in about 30 years. Last time I saw her in anything but sweatpants and a t-shirt, it was my wedding day. (2009) Before that? Ummm…my stepdad’s funeral in 2001?  So, she does not have anything to wear, and she haaates shopping, and she complains so much that it sucks the fun right out of it for me also. Ever since I was old enough to drive, she would send me to do the Christmas shopping for my brothers and myself. Yes, really. Sounds kind of sad, but really, I LOVE shopping. I LOVE IT.

However, taking her shopping for clothes is pretty much like taking a 9 year old boy shopping. 

“I don’t WANNA try it on”

“That’s ugly”

“Too purple/pink/red/green/orange”

“I hate that print.” (All prints.)

“That’s stupid.”

“Can we go now?!”

I hate shopping with my mother. I HATE IT.  Also, you should know that she is IMFREAKINGPOSSIBLE to please. You just can’t make this woman happy.  Christmas after Christmas, birthday after birthday, Mother’s Day after Mother’s day..I fail, again and again. You would think with three chances a year for 29 years, I would’ve hit the mark more than once. But no. The one time I hit the mark, btw: I burned her some CDs because I was broke as hell. Forget the front row seats to see The Temptations, or the dishwasher my brothers and I pitched in and got her that she then GAVE AWAY. No, no.  YOU CANNOT MAKE HER HAPPY.

So yesterday I decided I’d take my chances and go it alone. Worst case, I have to return some shit.  When I got home, I gave her a little speech. “If these fit you and you like them, you don’t have to go shopping. If it doesn’t fit or you don’t like it, you’ll have to go shopping with me. ”

She sat there for a minute..and then said “I bet I like them then.”

And yanno what bitches? SHE DID. And they fit.  And she looks good in that shit. I’d post pics but she’d probably go all Joan Crawford on my ass.

I’ll sneak pictures when she’s wearing them at the wedding. Trust me, she looks pretty fly.

Also, as soon as I found out my fetus had a penis, I thought “OMG LITTLE MAN-MAN SUITS!!”

Yes, really. Is there anything cuter than a baby dressed like a little old man? Fuck. No!

So..I picked up this amazing cuteness for Xavier to wear.  How perfect for an October wedding?

Are you ready?

Yes, that is actually happening. If you didn’t just coo out loud, there’s something wrong with you.

I cannot stand it. I’m going to try it on him at some point today, and hope it all fits. It’s a size 3- 6 months, so I hope it fits my 9 week old tank ass baby. By the way, I shopped the clearance racks for my mom, and I had a 20% off coupon, so I came in just under $50 for that suit and my mom’s two outfits. W00t!

And speaking of tank ass..let’s just say that some  all of my clothes do not fit quite the same. Screw you, I had a baby 9 weeks ago. We can’t all be Heidi Klum’s supernatural ass. Besides, a lot of it has to do with my boobs. I’m still breastfeeding and these things are easily twice the size they were pre-Xavier. Some of my old stuff fits, but makes me look like a porn star. I wanted boobs my whole life, and now that I have them I don’t know what the hell to put on them.

So..*sigh* sadly, I had to get something new also.  I am naturally concerned about clashing with my cutest little accessory, but I also don’t want us to be the douchebags in matching outfits. 

It’s hard out there for a pimp  blimp these days.  All the trends seem to be wildly unflattering and will surely make me look like a hefty bag full of meat.  So it was a tall order, finding something that “goes” and does not make me look like a porn star, a bag of meat, or the “Welll..she DID  just have a baby” look.

Anything but that.

So I checked all of my usual suspects: Lane Bryant, Old Navy, and Torrid.  Nothing. Okay…Fashion Bug, Loop 18, even Catherine’s. (Nope, still not old enough!) Shit..nothing!

Igigi? Nope..still can’t afford it.

And then I remember: AVENUE. I have never shopped there, but I cannot for the life of me remember why. JACKPOT!! Scored this hot little number on sale:

It’s reviewed pretty positively. Fingers crossed the girls don’t hang out of it all crazy. But I figure if it shows too much I’ll put a cami on under it.  With these shoes:

Also, really good reviews on these, and they were on clearance.  Now, I googled for a coupon code (ALWAYS!) and found one that gave me 40% off my first item, then 30% off my second item when I got three or more items. So I tossed a cami in the cart and saved $17! I pretty much got those shoes for free. Pretty awesome eh? I spent a whopping $43. I’m going to wear a pink shrug I already have. Beyond that for accessories, I’m still not sure. We’ll see how it looks on.

Anyway, rambling.

Some other highlights of my week include:

~We have power on again.

~Working and pumping sucks.

~We switched from Dr Brown’s to Tommee Tippee  bottles, in an effort to provide a more natural, boob like situation. Seems to be working well.

~John spent three ENTIRE days “baby sitting” Xavier while I was at work. I am happy to report that they both survived it.  Breastfed babies often don’t poop every day. Mine seems to go 3-4 days. On Saturday, which was John’s first whole day alone, X hadn’t gone in about a week. A WEEK. So..I knew it was coming. And sure enough, by noon, I got a text message. “OMG. He pooped AND peed WHILE I WAS CHANGING HIM! AGGGGH!!! He turned into a sprinkler and a play doh machine and it was epic. Need more wipes, AGGGHHH!!”

And I laughed. A lot.


4 thoughts on “Shoppppppinggg….

  1. ah…I don’t miss the poop blob! I think it’s much more common in breastfed babies than formula fed. Also, I don’t remember your mom wearing jeans when we were little either…I am really doing some thinking and I can remember her in grey or navy sweatpants a lot. 🙂

    • It is REALLY nice not to have to deal with poop allll the time though, I think the once every few days pooing fits nicely into my busy schedule:-D
      The woman loves her sweatpants…I don’t understand how we’re related, seriously.

  2. Same, first off I just have to say that you should really write a book or something beause the way you write is phenomenol! And OMG, his little outfit is adorable!!!!! I can’t wait to meet your little man!! (I think Megan and I will be fighting over him most of the evening though, just a little FYI)! OH, and another thing!! I LLLLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE to shop my ass of, that is until I have to take my 17 year old daughter with me!! Ironically, she sounds exactly like your mom when it comes to shopping! That’s too shiny, I don’t like flowers,ruffles,strips, words, the sleeve are too long, that one is to bright, that one isn’t bright enough. It takes 20 stores to find ONE shirt!! I want to bash my head in when I take her with me!!!! AAGGHH….anyways, have a safe and wonderful trip and can’t wait to see everyone in a few weeks!!!!!

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