Birth Story, the final chapter

Well, someone woke up at 4 am and is refusing to go back to sleep, so I guess I’m up. Might as well wrap this up eh? Warning: Parental Advisory, explicit language all up in through here.

Ok so when we left off, I was definitely feeling some pain, which is rather odd, considering I’d just had an epidural.  Isn’t that supposed to make me totally numb? Maybe I need topped off again. Call the nurse, who calls anesthesia. Again.

Okay..ow, Wtf? . It’s 6:45 or so. Crampy has become an 8 on the pain scale. I can’t get on top of them anymore, starting to writhe and whimper. Anesthesia gets there in about a half hour, says “We’ll try a different drug for you, clearly you’re resistant to the epi.” Ok, gimme! “Give it about a half hour to let it work.”
45 Minutes later, I’m now curling into the side rails of the bed. I call the nurse “NOT WORKING.”
They have the dr come back in and check me, I must be progressing very fast. And I was. Dilated to a 10? Yep. Wasn’t I just a 7 an hour ago? Yep.
Well I can’t push like this, fix this pain.

Anesthesia comes back. “Okay we’ll try this. This is what we give for C-Sections. It could stun a yak. Don’t you worry, you’ll be feeling fine within the half hour.”
By now..pain? Holy fucking satan in his sunday hat. I’m being rocked. Praying to every god I can think of. I’m swearing, sweating, screaming, I am batshit crazy with pain. I’m cussing out my husband, the nurses, the doctor. I am not exaggerating one bit, I did not know a person could even HAVE pain like this. They’re not contractions, it’s my midsection being torn out. People are saying things to me about “breathe through them, you’re tougher than you realize, you’re only feeling the peak of them.”
I’m saying things back..,possibly regarding their mothers.

I will say this; I did not have a birth plan. I was serious about NOT having a birth plan, because I’ve seen so many moms get strung out about their PLAN.  Then, I’ve seen life take a big shit all over their plan.  That being said..one thing I REALLY did not want was this. I take my cool kinda serious..and this was definitely not cool. In hindsight, I REALLY should have made some kind of plan for pain management. It sounds so stupid, but I just did not realize that epidurals can fail.

Between contractions, I am literally passing out. Unconscious. I’m begging them to just c section. No? Then fucking kill me.
(John, bless his brave little heart, actually had the nerve to speak up right now. ” Babe, you really don’t want that. I know you don’t want that.” This is where he got cussed out.)

Things are getting good now. I’m negotiating with people..”Listen, I’m really, really not a dramatic person. This is bad. This is reallllly bad.”
FINALLY..Anesthesia gets a fucking clue. “MAYBE her epidural slipped out of place. Let’s do a new one!”

I’m weeping into the nurse’s neck as a contraction rocks me just as the needle slides in for the second time in 6 hours. They topped this one off with a spinal tap something or another.
RELIEF WAS INSTANT. I cried some more. Hugged people. Apologized to all offended parties. I was Miss Congeniality. Life was good again.
It’s now about 10:30.  Five hours had gone by in this pain-haze.
Dr checks me. I’m at a 10, but the baby’s stll a bit high. Let’s give the fresh epi sometime to relax me and we’ll push in a bit. Alrighty. I’m ready, a new person, a million bucks. Let’s fucking do this.

So at 11:30, Dr checks me again, says “Start some pushing, I’ll be back in a bit.”
Nurse tells John “With first babies, women generally push around 2 hours.” In my head? I’m like “Fuck that shit. I wanna be done in an hour.” Having watched my bestie with all of her three push babies, I just did not believe that I would have to.  I was so scared the epi would slide again and I’d be in pain. I wanted to be DONE before that pain made a comeback.
So I pushed. And I pushed. And the clock just kept freaking moving around and around and around. 2 am, the nurse says “Alright lady. You’ve worn yourself and your baby out. Have some oxygen, take a break. We’ve overworked the muscles and you’re too weak to proceed. They turn down the pitocin. I sleep for about 20mins, waking up feeling like there is a bowling ball crammed in my ass.
The spinal tap has now worn off, but the epi is still good. Meaning, I can feel pressure, but not pain. And the pressure of X’s head was un freaking bearable. I would’ve sworn if I had just pushed a littttle bit, he would be out. Told the nurse so. She was not so optimistic, but we started pushing again at 2:30.

At about 4, Dr S comes in. “Alright Sam..it’s time to talk. He just might be too big. Might have to cut ya even though I don’t want to.” (I’d already begged during the dark era of pain, she told me no.)
“Ok let’s do it. I can’t push anymore.”
I’m soaked in sweat. I’m exhausted. Pushing is hard freaking work, as those of you who have done it know. My child has a big freaking head. I was trying SO HARD for all that time, and only the top of his head was visible. SO discouraging.
The nurse speaks up. “She’s made A LOT of progress in the last hour. I think you should really take a look before you call it.”
She agrees, and when the next contraction comes, I push again. But in my head, I’m like yea, I’m done. I’m not even going to try for this one. Just do it, I want to be freaking done.”
Dr S squeals “OMG! SO MUCH PROGRESS! Sam! You’re having this baby. Just five more rounds and you’ll be done.”
I laugh at her. I can’t do five more rounds. I can’t. I’m toast, dammit. Didn’t you hear me?
“Okay, do one more then.”
FINE. FUCK IT.

And I felt something give. And then his head was out. And my vagina caught fire. Everyone in the room was totally surprised. I guess objects in my vagina are closer than they appear? Because no one was ready. No welder’s mask on. No baby nurse ready, no table cut in half or feet in stirrups. I was still on my side because that’s how they decided I was in the best position? With a person’s head hanging out of my vjj, Dr Tells me to roll onto my back. WTF HOW???
“Just do it and for god’s sake don’t push anymore!!”
They call the baby nurse in, get the mask on. Okay, PUSH.
The umbilical cord was around his neck. They grab him and yank him out the rest of the way. John cuts the cord, they put this slimy, gorgeous baby on my chest and I instantly start crying like a little bitch again.
They take him and clean him off. My placenta doesn’t wanna leave either. They start making jokes about how once things are in me they don’t ever want to come out. My uterus is the bermuda triangle. They start punching me in the gut trying to get it to come out.
Finally, it does.Wow, that’s a disgusting feeling eh?
They remove a catheter. It hurts. They stitch me up, I somehow only ended up with a 2nd degree tear. Given the size of this kid…I think if he’d have come any faster I would’ve been split in half. While they’re stitching, I start wailing like a baby. They’re looking at me like I’m a weirdo “it really shouldn’t hurt that bad”. Maybe it didn’t and I was just exhausted, in every way possible.
Xavier James was born at 4:08 am, on July 3rd, 2011. He weighed 8 lbs, 9 oz and was 20 inches long. Big, but not the epic beast of a boy they’d been preparing me for during my pregnancy. And totally, completely perfect.

And you can’t tell a birth story without some slimy baby pictures, right?

 

All cleaned up:

And here he is the next day, snuggling with his Aunt Tess, getting ready to come home:

She came all the way from Illinois just to do that.  This is right before I punched her in the ass for having those three push babies and making that shit look all easy. She tricked me so that I would make that cute little gargoyle right there.

And one more, getting ready to go home:

Not a word about his outfit, haters.

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